Man’s plight: the desire to
marry. Somehow we all ate a bug that modified our genetic description and made
us all so fond of not only finding “The One” but also marrying "The One", because
duh, what’s the point of finding him/her/shim/himsh and whatever if you’re not
going to marry him, right? And OBVIOUSLY once you’ve found him you have to
marry him because in this day and age people don’t do this thing of living
together without marrying (eye roll)!
I, for one, haven’t been for nor
particularly against marriage, I just don’t want to die alone and if this means
that I have to marry then so be it. I’m also not very trusting, particular
reference to potential husband (should this happen). I cannot be certain that
he won’t one day wake up and decide that I’m too fat for his liking and leave
me, so I’d prefer to have children instead. And marriage has the added benefit
of children. My kids can’t really leave me (at least not for eighteen years),
they have no other option but to love me. And you’re probably thinking that I
don’t need to marry to have children, however… I’m a tad conservative so I'd prefer to be married if I have children.
But seriously, how is it that one
of the highest ranking human desires is to marry? Where does this desire come
from that it plights both genders (and all the others in between) and across
nationalities and races?
Perhaps the desire to be with
someone in matrimony has a religious background. The Christian Bible at some
point (I’m pretty sure of this) says multiply and fill the earth. However, a
condition of sexual relations in the Bible is marriage, hence our desire to
marry. Islam, Bahá'í faith, and other religions also prohibit pre-marital sex. Buddhism
encourages people to not be attached to nor crave sensual pleasure (which
removes them from this argument completely).
The religion argument could
easily hold if we actually waited until we’re married to have sex. If we were in such a hurry to be married
because we want to have sex perhaps then our intense desire would be justified
by the religious background. But the reality is: hardly anyone waits until
marriage to have sex these days. I doubt that the death of Saving-myself-for-marriage
was even mourned.
Said religion could also be the
reason behind Saving-myself-for-marriage’s unfortunate death. The fact that
women expect to marry the person they’re dating (or are being courted by) and
if they are to marry they are going to end up having sex with the person anyway
so they might as well do it before marriage. Which sort makes sense if you
consider the fact that the anthem of this generation is: “why date him if
you’re not going to marry him?”.
Perhaps the oppression of women
in history would explain our desire for marriage (at least for women). Women’s
sexuality has been rejected, not recognized, acknowledged and even scorned in the
past. And perhaps marriage was the only way that women could be sexual and
express their sexuality. Married women could be said to have been allowed to be more free about their sexuality. They could
hide their pleasure behind trying to please their husbands, perhaps.
This argument fails once again
because women in the twenty first century women have more freedom than they did
in the twentieth and earlier centuries. We are sexual beings; this is
acknowledged even though we don’t have as much freedom as men do. So the
sexuality argument can’t play too much of a role.
Two friends of mine attributed it
to movies and our parents. The first one because the media sells both sex and
the butterflies-in-my-stomach feeling. The idea behind most movies (and this is
inclusive of action movies) is that someone somewhere out there will look at
you with fire in his eyes and melt your butter heart. Since the saying goes
“You are what you watch, listen to, and talk about” this could be true.
The second one said it was
because of our parents. We want the love that they have (or don’t have) and it
creates the longing to find someone. When you know you parents have been
together since the stone age and are still together and love and support each
other like they only met a year ago you can’t help but want the same for
yourself. It could also be the absence of one of your parents, seeing you
mother (or your father) struggle as a single parent could lead you to vow to
never have to go through what they’ve had to go through by yourself.
Because of this desire and idea we
have of marriage we find ourselves too committed to infant relationships (or
maybe I’m just a commitment-phoebe). We find ourselves in serious relationship one after serious relationship and leaving pieces of ourselves, our happiness and our souls
with every Jabu, Thabo and Sizwe (Tom, Dick and Harry) we date. Maybe our
desire for marriage is a cause for many social and psychological issues. Body image
issues, lack of self-esteem, and many other similar issues.
Although it could be said that my
conclusion is unfounded and lacks evidence but I think it’s one that’s worth
exploring. If marriage is as important to people as it seems to be, then what are
its effects? According to the laws of nature everything has a cause and effect.
I’ve tried exploring the causes but I can’t begin to explore the effects. At
the end of the day the question is this obsession healthy but most importantly is it
worth it?
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